Breatheintolove’s Blog

that thing called money…

August 19, 2010 at 4:49 pm (Uncategorized)

For the last few months now, money has been on my radar. We’ve been getting to know each other, intimately.

I’ve been taking an up close and personal look at who I can and do become around it… with and without it. In either case, it’s pretty clear that all too often I am not myself… I can get pretty far from who I truly am. That’s what I’m realizing: whether I have it or not, money has the power to take me out, to have me be other ways – over confident, extravagant, impetuous… or, on the flip side… unsure, impatient, anxious and tight. Money can make me judgmental, of myself, of others; it can make me believe that I am, or someone else is, better than… or less than… it can cause my heart to race, drive me to despair, make me giddy, or mad, or resentful, it can have me question and wonder ‘what is the point… what is the point of it all…?’

Yeah… with or without it, money and all the ideas and connotations and habits and beliefs it brings with it, has been a sure fast way to have me go unconscious.

I am now coming to realize that, not so long ago, my sense of myself, of who I was and how I was perceived, how good or bad or happy or not, was intricately wrapped and woven with money in a whole plethora of ways.

The sheer brilliance of this particular circumstance in this particular moment in time where I am full steam ahead in building a home and healing space while simultaneously transitioning out of writing that paid immediately to writing that promises to pay in the near future, where I am out on a limb in a way I have never been before means that ANY place where I hold or have held illusion around money and its power and my power and lack and gain thereof is being sought out and brought to the light whether I like it or not. In these days of juggling the next few hundred dollars and who and what they should pay for, I am not who I was a couple of months ago. Not even close.

Back then… in that previous lifetime not so long ago, the very idea of paying a credit card late would have put the fear of God in me. It would have had me wakeful and worried. It would have had me lose sleep and fight and beg for whatever I could get to make sure that a payment was not even a day late. Back then… in that same lifetime, the very idea of asking someone to hold onto a check or letting them know I didn’t have the money but would be able to pay them soon, would have been unthinkable. To do such a thing, to even embark on the conversation, to even say the words, what would they think? What would they say? How could I ever make amends, prove myself, be of value, or worth, or honor again?

In the current lifetime of the last few months, I have had no choice but to make peace with it all. With this making-of-peace comes something else… in all the ways that I am coming to experience freedom… freedom from the ideas and perceptions that went unquestioned, freedom from the covenants that govern how we are supposed to be as safe, partially expressed, struggling human beings… this newly forming freedom around money and the contraction I have allowed it until now is expanding the happiness that has come to dwell inside.

If once I worried what others would think if I didn’t have the money right then, right there, if I thought it would mean they would take me less seriously, or be dismissive, or not invite me to the right parties with the right people because, who the hell was I anyway? now it barely crosses my mind. If once I gave money the power to hue my mood or color my days, it does so no longer. If there are moments when the old ways of being make themselves known, a rush of panic, a sharp intake of fear if I wonder how in the hell it will all work itself out, the future of this thing called Life, it is another reminder, another opportunity for me to sink my roots of knowingness and trust ever deeper.

In this conscious transparency around money, suddenly I am not chained to the ideas of failure that I once willingly accepted. Suddenly I am not waiting for some day in the future when I have enough to breathe again. I am choosing to breathe, to be filled and inspired right now. It is AMAZING! This setting myself free… And with this newfound freedom comes all SORTS of perks… For the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I am not swept up by the addictive compulsion of consumerism that pervades our way of being.

These days, it’s not just about hesitantly and reluctantly and guiltily saying ‘no’ to the new iPod or cell phone or other such requests that have come my way, it’s about saying ‘no’ to the extra jar of ‘Hearts of Palm’ or pack of String Cheese at Trader Joes. It’s about noticing that a locally grown melon costs $3.99 and an organic one costs $4.99 and then deciding which one to buy. It’s about telling my son Lux he can pay for the pizza and Starbucks he asks for from the money he has for his vacation and him realizing, when it comes to spending the $15.00 or saving it for something else, he doesn’t really want that stuff after all. It’s about simply noticing all the ways that the this and the that and the whatever and whenever have had me blindly hand over my debit card, and it’s about realizing that without the pizza or Hearts of Palm or cart full of melons, me, my kids, my everything is so infinitely taken care of… for, when I choose the awe that is Love, when I fall on my knees in the thanks that is Gratitude, when I am amazed each and every moment that I am, indeed, living my heart’s dream, there is nothing that can cause my cup to be anything other than full. In the Wonder of the Light, the old fears are suddenly insubstantial.

The other day I picked up a friend’s copy of ‘The Ringing Cedars of Russia’, flipped to a random page and found myself reading a chapter about money. The magical, mystical being and book’s heroine, Anastasia, tells the author that when he starts to make a whole lot of money from selling the books he will write about her, there will be certain requirements at the bank: specifically he will have to do no less than nine deep knee bends that are witnessed by at least three officials whenever he makes a transaction.

While this inspired recipe is to thwart the pride that usually comes with making a ton of cash, I have found it works just as well for the opposite. In other words, it can take the wind out of fear’s sails just as effectively. Whenever that sharp intake of panic hits, the one that is weighty and serious and threatens despair and tells me I have no idea what I’m doing or how it will possibly work out and boy-oh-baby isn’t it better to cash it all in while I can… those deep knee bends bring instant levity. They reset the balance to the prevailing truth of joy.

Thank God for money and all it makes possible… thank God for the Ringing Cedars… thank God for random pages…. And last but NOT LEAST… thank God for Tinkertown… a wee little place spilling over with magic right around the corner from here. I stopped by there yesterday… and this is what I read:

HOW TO BE REALLY ALIVE…

LIVE JUICY: STAMP OUT CONFORMITY: DREAM OF GYPSY WAGONS: FIND SNAILS MAKING LOVE: DEVELOP AN ASTOUNDING APPETITE FOR BOOKS: DRINK SUNSETS: DRAW OUT YOUR FEELINGS: AMAZE YOURSELF: BE RIDICULOUS: STOP WORRYING: NOW: IF NOT NOW, WHEN? MAKE YES YOUR FAVORITE WORD: MARRY YOURSELF: DRY YOUR CLOTHES IN THE SUN: EAT MANGOES NAKED: KEEP TOYS IN THE BATHTUB: SPIN YOURSELF DIZZY: HANG UPSIDE DOWN: CELEBRATE AN OLD PERSON: SEND A LOVE LETTER TO YOURSELF: BE ADVANCED: TRY ENDEARING: INVENT NEW WAYS TO LOVE: TRANSFORM NEGATIVES: DELIGHT SOMEONE: WEAR PAJAMAS TO A DRIVE-IN MOVIE: BE WHO YOU TRULY ARE AND THE MONEY WILL FOLLOW: BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING: YOU ARE ALWAYS ON YOUR WAY TO A MIRACLE: AND THE MIRACLE IS YOU!