when anything other than Love will no longer suffice…
What must I become that I can speak sharply to those that I love?
What must I become in order to keep the love of those that love me, out?
What must I become so that, not only do I keep love out, I am oblivious to and dismissive of its value?
What must I become to be impatient? Frustrated? Constricted?
What must I become to think the worst of the world, of myself?
What must I become that I wish things were different? That there was more time, more money, more compassion, more understanding and in the wishing of all that apparently is not, all that is goes unseen.
What must I become that I blithely dismiss whatever is good that lives within? Within my heart… the hearts of others?
What must I become that I willingly cheapen and turn away from all the beauty that outpours from within?
What must I become so that, of all that I do do, of all that I am, I only to remember all that I don’t do, and all the I am not.
What must I become that I judge and blame and find cause to stir that which is nothing other than dis-ease in my existence?
What must I become that I give the priceless gift and infinite power of this consciousness that I am to that which is the very antithesis of Love?
What must I become that I insist on refusing all that I have ever longed for and all that longs for me?.. namely refusing the Love that I Am.
What walls do I allow to be built and filters put in place so that this, this cutting off of my Spirit, this cutting off at the knees, this trespass against the very essence of my soul can take place? What voices, what stories, beliefs and so-called Authorities do I listen and buy into? Authorities that are woven into the tapestry of existence. Authorities that I clearly distinguish and observe moving in what is outside of and around me and, yes, Authorities that hold positions of import within. They have come to take residence in the layers of the muscles of my body, of my throat, my heart, my vagina. The places where I give uncomfortable and familiar permission for my sexuality to be questioned and shamed, my creativity doubted and hushed, my joy made guilty and subdued by the fear that surely, yes surely, it will not last. Authorities that don’t care what the meal is, just as long as they are fed and whose only agenda is to ensure I am far, far removed from my-Self, from Love.
I know how it feels… this ‘becoming’ that then allows this cutting off at the knees… this disconnection from my heart, from Grace. And I know only because I known other ways of being. In all the ways that the circuits have been crossed and the wiring hacked, there are those times when I am blown wide open. Blown so wide that weavings of my beingness and walls that have determined who I thought I was and think I am are no longer; times when all those mis-matched, screwed up, mucked up wires break apart and, guided by the hands of Grace, inspired by the distant memory of what once was, what is and always will be, I remember.
In all the ways that I am recognizing and identifying those Authorities, distinguishing their voices, their insistent beliefs and studying how they move and who, under their sway, I can become, I am noticing a shift. It is a re-definition. It is a re-creating of this particular relationship.
In the past there have been times when I have been up in arms. I have rebelled against and been angered by and fought the constraints with determined outrage and wrathful self-justification; there have been times when I have felt their presence and tried to out run them, desperate to smile, desperate for me, for everything, to be just fine; and there have been times when I have crumbled, when there is a rush of heat and I wonder how I can ever be enough, do enough and do it all just right so that I can, at last, be accepted, be loved.
In the past, whatever my response has been, it has been to a perception of power. Those Authorities as power. I have bought into the façade they would convince me of. I have given weight to their opinion, their belief and I have built those walls and allowed those filters to fall into place as a result. I have acted in ways that are not myself. That are far from who I know myself to be.
That is the past… and yes! this is now.
In the now of my journey, I am choosing something different. To feel, to look, to see beyond what is presented, whatever the determined illusion of the façade may be, and connect to what is at the core, the core that is, in its essential distillation, love. Because beneath their superiorities and categories these Authorities are interested in the same thing I am. They are interested in knowing… LOVE IS REAL. In the now of their acting outs and determined ways, I am simply choosing to love. Love them. Standing tall and gently choosing the unadulterated expression my spirit, choosing to be in Love, in sync with who I am, no matter what.
It is not that I don’t still have days when I am out of sorts and the yearning from within cries, “Oh my heart, how I miss you”; it is not that I am at all times impervious to the patterns based on that brazen wielding of power born of judgment and fear that I have been beholden to for so long; it is simply that I am, whenever possible, whenever I allow, honoring this re-wiring, re-weaving, re-thinking, re-doing and knowing it, feeling it to be Grace.
