re-wiring the sacred circuits…

September 9, 2010 at 10:50 pm (Uncategorized)

If you’ve read here before, you’ll know how strongly I feel about Sexual Energy and the Feminine, about how, hand-in-hand they have been vilified and ostracized and cast out into the cold, the word Sacred dismantled and torn from being anywhere close to their vicinity. Sex and women. 5.000 years of repression. 5,000 years of stigma. 5,000 years of guilt and shame. No wonder the world is out of balance. No wonder the call to do things differently is deafening. No wonder we are bringing that which has been steeped in shadow out and into the Light; to heal, to re-wire the circuits of experience and belief.

Experience and belief.

I am coming to realize they are each as important as the other. Until whatever I choose to believe becomes experience, it cannot not make the evolution to become ‘knowing’; the experience awakening that seed of belief and transmuting it to become the knowingness that lives in the core of my cells. Vice versa, without consciously choosing what I believe, choosing to reach beyond what I have been told or carried within the DNA of my cells that has been passed down from one generation to the next, without my actively making different choices – for instance, that sex is not dirty but rather an ecstatic expression of the soul; that women are not inferior but are instead co-creators, walking side-by-beautiful-side, equally in the light –  without this initial choice around belief, I cannot open the doors to experience. Thought becomes the experience that then resonates with the recognition, the Knowingness that is truth.

Last night my friend Jane Baldwin turned me on to a Huffuington Post, ‘Why it’s Wise to Worship a Woman’: In it the author writes of his conscious devotion to his wife, to her as an embodiment of the Sacred Feminine. He writes of how it is this commitment to devotion, of choosing to see and experience her in this way in all of her many and varied guises, that has brought him to his knees within the inner sanctuary of Her Temple. It is quite something, to feel what lives in this man’s heart and to wonder at what layers he has moved through to get there. Layers of permission… permission to be different from society’s wide-spread idea of what a ‘man’ should be. Permission to see with different eyes, hear with different ears and, most importantly, feel with a different heart. A heart fully allowed.

As my son Lux, now twelve, gets older, I see all the ways he struggles with who he feels he needs to become. This boy with the wide eyes and lotus flower heart whose body is black and blue from riding his bike and who has a growing interest in pyromania. This boy who won’t let me turn a blind eye to what is afoot in the masculine arena of this Re-Union. A constant reminder, an unwavering anchor that lets me see beyond the surface appearances of male bravado to reveal not only a pure and infinite capacity for love, but also a hungering, a yearning to return to the realms of the heart. To return to the Mother.

Within the arena he is navigating, one where role models of what it is to be a man who lives in the full and phenomenal expression of his heart are few and far between, there have been times when I feel the veils shift for Lux, brief moments when the ball drops and he connects. Like last weekend on retreat in Sedona when, sitting side-by-side, we spoke of what might be the energetic cause of his physical scars and bruises, and I asked him about how he is changing, about how he feels he needs to change… and we find the example of my lying down with him at night and how that doesn’t happen anymore. Lux says, “Because it’s not appropriate”. “Appropriate to who?” I ask. And he stops to think. I go on. “Is it you, or is it other people… or society? Who is it? If you could, what would you choose?” And he looks at me and in this room full of other people unfolding into truth, he says, “I’d choose for it to be okay.”

It was a moment when I felt him feel. It was a palpable experience of a chink in the walls that are slowly and insidiously being built around his heart, walls that trespass against his own Self. Built from bricks made of stories that say, “Be tough”, “Be cool”, “Don’t cry”, “Play the game and get what you want and you’ll win”. And there are new bricks now,  new stories that are making themselves known. As he traverses into teenage-hood, as sex becomes more age appropriate and society gives its permission to let that energy be expressed, it simmers within him with all the shame and taboo that has ever been attached. To know he is, even in the energy of sex, Sacred, to know that a woman, even in the energy of sex is Sacred, that sex itself is Sacred, is simply not in the mix of experience. If Lux has heard these as truths, they have not sunk in. Not even close.

In the midst of all the billboards and youtube videos and old Saturday Night Live skits and Family Guy, in the midst of 5,000 years of repression and suppression, where men have come to look at and experience women sexually as objects, and women have come to experience their sexuality as an empty promise of love, in the midst of this time where the Sacred connection between sexual energy and the heart has been effectively, purposefully severed, it is hardly surprising. Look out in the world and tell me what you see. The messages are prolific. The disconnect reconfirmed again and again, a sure sign of the extent of the imbalance. And if the disconnect exists out there it is because it exists within. Within us. A reflection of who we are, the world we live in does not yet have the language, the structure for the word Sacred when it comes to sex and women. In the last 5,000 years, the circuits have been shorted time and time again by the insistence that Sacred as a belief, let alone an experience, is not even an option.

In the arena of a twelve-year-old boy’s sexuality, I can say, ‘your body, a woman’s body is sacred’, but unless I believe and KNOW it about myself, how much can really transfer? How much of those words is simply air. An insubstantial idea that, no matter how fertile the soil it is cast out to, would not have a chance to grow because it lacks the Life Force within, it lacks the transmutation that comes with experience. The words sound nice as a thought, an idea, but they are devoid of the shakti that engenders them with the transference of energy that would allow the seed of this truth to take root and grow.

So now it comes back to me. Right? Who am I? What truth am I choosing to believe and, with belief, choosing to live? My body is Sacred. My feminine body is Sacred. I am the Sacred Feminine in body. Embodied. On what level have I come to allow the EXPERIENCE of this, and on what level do I still keep it out? On what level do we all, Me, Lux, you, your neighbors, keep the Sacred Feminine out? I say keep her out, but really, it is keeping her locked in. Locked behind those walls, suffocating within the dwelling place of our heart. In order for the author of the Huffington Post to have written what he wrote, in order for him to experience what he experiences in relation to his beloved, she would not only have to believe she is Divine and be seen as Divine, she would have to KNOW it, on a core, deep level, loving each and every cell of her being, Feminine and Masculine, alike.

Til this point I have chosen the belief that I am spirit in body. I have incubated, carried and nurtured it. Til this point I have experienced this notion of Spirit embodied and know it to be true. The places I am meeting myself now, the places that want to question and doubt and dismiss and swim back to the seemingly safe shores of where I was before, are specifically around the sacredness of sex and women. Til this point I have flirted with the Goddess and the notion that I am She. Til this point I have dipped my toes in the waters of Sacred Sexuality, and yet the EXPERIENCE toward KNOWING is something else altogether. There are parts of me that are determined not to give in, not to let go, not to open the realms of heart with another to see and be seen, both as the Divine that, yes, I BELIEVE that we are.

I find that I am besieged by the thoughts of 5,000 years that question Worth and Right and insist that, as body, FEMALE body, how can I possibly be Spirit, ESPECIALLY when there is sexual intimacy involved – the two, body and Spirit so very, very far removed from each other – besieged by thoughts that would pull the rug and take me under  and wow, what fuel they are! What propulsion to the call that tells me to wake up and step in and re-wire the old and re-claim all that I am… all that Lux is… all that, you, me, WE are…


1 Comment

  1. Matthew said,

    I really felt the energy in your words Katrina. Sitting in the same room as my mother, watching her happily watch 2 men play tennis on television, I remember the closeness we once shared. Thanks for this honoring of both the feminine and masculine and the perspective of how hard it can be to really connect to these feelings in today’s world. And thanks for everything else too!!

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